no lo se. life is as it is. a conundrum. an enigma. air to breathe. faith to live. family to love. soul to console. tears to relief. time to age. no lo se.

my aunt is leaving tomorrow. her flight is scheduled for 1240pm. she has to be at the airport by 1115am. 9 days has gone by much too fast. these years, months..gone just like that. thank God for His blessings. love my parents. shall miss my aunt. enjoyed her company. she drinks tea from marks, without sugar or condensed milk; just fresh milk. she has oats for breakfast with milk of course. she does yoga and has been a stewardess and a japanese translator. currently, she lives there alone in a maisonette. wishes for a cat but her constant travelling and working in the day doesnt allow her to. a common predicament for many. she takes short showers unlike one of me dear cousin who takes near an hour. she uses dove shower gel and pantene shampoo. dont know why im sharing this. to relive the memories of her maybe?

shes out with me dad now visiting granny. shall be back in a while. clocks is playing in the background. ahh...simple pleasures of life..

wise words from dear aunt.

learn to let go. something i mentioned earlier in the previous entry. learn to let go. yep.

anyways, i had a long walk yesterday. couldnt believe it meself. from home to ubi/hougang. from there to kaki bukit/bedok reservoir. was near a 3 hour walk by me wee self. in the rain. it cleared my head. you should try it sometime.

earlier that day as in yesterday, went to parkway with her for some shopping. she bought gingko biloba for her raynaud's phenomena and soluble aspirin for the flight and cough. em..yes, preserved mangoes and ginger for her friends. cards for the chinese folk back there. ooh..and dark chocolate. ha. love dark chocolate and my parents and like coldplay.

sigh sigh. the chocolate is getting to me brain. i forgot to say halo.

hello all. how you doing today? whats up? used to say the ceiling or the sky depending on the venue. pose the question to me now. whats up? id say..uncertainty. most definitely? or maybe?

my aunt loves fish. sardines or mackarel. prefers her spaghetti cooked either in pesto or tomato sauce, all of which are done up from scratch. she adds pine nuts to it sometimes for that extra crunch we lack in life. pine nuts. coffee. chocolate. gardening. david blaine. extra crunch. ha..and the world makes sense again..yippee..

will be quiet without her around. she uses iris, a fragrant from marks as well. shes a loyal consumer of marks. its suprisingly much cheaper there than it is here. strange aye.

bedingfield sounds optimistic of life and its issues. interesting. a new zealander but resides and works in london. ironic. ha. private joke. but he does seem passionate bout life as evident from his lyrics. hence , optimism exudes. too much for me to handle. i like coldplay. oh and travis as well. flowers in the windows and indefinitely. take a listen and judge for yourself. tori amos is not bad either. she appeared in mona lisa smile singing some song. didnt check what but she was singing. enjoy her landslide.

took my love, took it down. found a mountain and i turned around. and i saw my reflection in a snow-covered hills where the landslide brought me down. o mirror in the sky what is love? can a child within my heart rise above? can i sail through the changes? can i undo the seasons of my life?

can i undo the wrong ive done? no. can you?

perhaps, you can seek for forgiveness and start afresh, yes. but the memories of the past will still remain as they always have. like those snow-covered hills. learn to forgive or else, the landslide will bring you down. changes are inevitable. grow up and let go.

can i undo the wrong ive done? no. grow up and learn to let go.

ladies and gentlemen, round of applause for tori amos... :)

oh look at the time..theyll be here in an hour. have to get the hot water and soak the tea bags to make chay or as commonly known, teh susu. so cheerios mates. take care then.

its 1237am now. writing a farewell letter to my aunt. despise goodbyes. if i could, i would just walk away as i have many times. just disappear. make myself scarce. its depressing and life is as it is depressing enough. saying goodbye to a dear one just makes matters worse. however, i will be going thru it no matter. through. it is going to be quite a sight what with the tears and runny noses. we shall forbear..sigh. dont like goodbyes. do you?

i thanked her for the memories. would like to thank her for being her, for being here. has left me pondering about how ive led my life and how i can better it. learn to let go. we are human and to be human is to err. we are not perfect; inclined to make mistakes. learn to let go through forgiveness and reflection.

taking this space to thank you for the memories and having been around before in my life. as hackneyed as it may sound, life wouldnt be as it is without each of you. thank you all and God bless..piacere..

medieval kingdoms did not become constitutional republics overnight; on the contrary, the change was gradual. right then.

lots happening these days. how you doing?

my aunt came back from far two days ago. sq 319, terminal 2, belt 32. thin as always..went up to my dad immediately and gave those long hugs you see around. hugs that wish not to let go, ever. but she did. we do. we have to anyway. let go. yes breathe it out. let it go. foo...sigh.

family matters are predominant at this stage of my life now. have always been i guess. how bout you? love my parents. bless them. important matters too. besides an engagement, ive got tests coming up. cant wait for them to be over. moms coming along. shes done it many times before..

the word tephra, from the greek word meaning ash, has come into use among geologists to describe the assortment of fragments, ranging from blocks of material to dust, that is ejected into the air during a volcanioc eruption. yes..

as i was saying, alot is going on. friend's birthday tomorrow. shall call her this year. last year me was busy. moreover, last year this day, me was very very sick. dearest aishah was there to let me lean on her cos i was high with a fever. kind aishah. lovely aishah. bless you dear. hope you doing better than yesterday, pray you do..a round of hugs for you, love..

aylo to all ie: yus, duck, hafiz fakir, khairul, yasmin, debah(!), your sis, nurul(peace) and yes khairul..a game of monopoly?

dum de dum. cant concentrate..ooh! coldplay! clocks...sigh. caught lots of movies these past 2 weeks. see now. mona lisa, bollywood queen and ha..scary movie for a morning laugh. entertaining really. didnt get no popcorn. just me and the screen. nish. entertaining.

enjoyed mona lisa but teared at the end. she had to leave them. it was only characteristic of her to move on and away from there. not a subversive move but a natural one. i teared cos hmm..shall keep that to myself.

scary movie. now that was a laugh. spastic? in some ways. enjoyed the rap competition most. entertaining in a strange morbid way. filled with parodies from mm..the matrix-morpheus was married to the oracle-the ring, etc..

bollywood queen made me sigh. sigh. a happy ending. yea..id say scary movie was a tad more entertaining than bollywood. please..happy ending? sigh. you see why this movie makes me sigh? enjoyed the show, dont get me wrong but its the optimism and peculiar coincidences and bloody good luck that turns me off. doesnt happen in reality does it? so the many sighs..sigh.

coldplay. i came along. i wrote a song for you and all the things you do and it was called yellow. so then i took my turn. o what a thing to have done. and it was all yellow. ha. yellow.

id write a song called black. lemme try aye.

ahem..

i crawled along. i scratched a song for you and all the things you did and it is called black. so then i took my life. o what a thing to have done. and hey im still alive but very blue and black.

there.

dum de dum.. as theyd say,' cannot make it.'

shall be going to my cousin's tomorrow. a gathering of sorts. have that every other week but tomorrow will be different for my aunt is there. so my other aunt will cook her yummy curry and what not. gulp. ooh..and bubur kacang. its not sinful. not as sinful as my other aunt's er..bubur durian? thats sinful. eat it hot or cold. try both. with glutinous rice. sinful. o i could go on to whats sinful to the tastebuds but i shall stop tempting me poor self.

o of all the things to have forgotten. my aunt's staying with us. she sleeps in me study room. parents are asleep now. aunt is out visiting whoever. she has her own set of keys and that irritating transponder card. think i spelt it wrong. anywee.. yep. shes staying with us and life is a bit different. change is ever present.

take a listen to third eye blind's freshmen. a song. so if youve got cable, meaning quick and fast downloads or if youre bothered to take my recommendation and wait patiently as your (and mine) dial-up modem chews on the bytes at its own convenience, care take a listen.

do you know that it costs £6.50 to watch a movie in london? multiply that to 2.7. s$17.55 just to watch a movie. can you blame the pirates and the consumers then?

but no..piracy is wrong and i like coldplay and love my parents. take care aishah. and take care all.

saturday evening. will be leaving the house in a while now. electrorloge by the trouble makers are on. mood setters. personally enjoy this track on the album though. its yachts by coco steel & lovebomb. fresh sounds for me from a rather old costes album. 2000.

aishah..

how are you dear? whats up? hows the grannies? hows therapy? hope you are doing better than yesterday. you take good care of yourself. persevere. patience woman. really hope you are well. God bless always. talk to you soon.

things could be worse. it feels like the pits and hell is your present residence but somehow, as tiring as it is to hear and say and read, things could be worse.

lyle lovett says it best i think.

smile though your heart is aching.
smile even though its breaking.
when there are clouds in the sky, youll get by.
if you smile through your fears and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, youll see te sun come shining through for you.

light up your face with gladness. hide every trace of sadness.
although a tear may be ever so near.
thats the time you must keep on trying.
smile whats the use of crying? youll find that life is still worth while if you just..smile.

take care all..

one sixteen in the morning. came home with me parents near twelve. while taking me ablution, i freaked. where the camera? rushed down to the car with dearest mother and found it in the boot. thank God. all's well for now.

saw you last night, danced by the light of the moon. stars in your eyes free from the life you knew. ben folds's magic. eyes free from the life you knew. is it ever possible to be free of the life youve lived each day? delusion is necessary? or denial? two possibilities i and perhaps, you, chase aye?

no school tomorrow but will be out of the house before 8. things to do. kate's on. ben folds' as well. the chorus is filled with lots of piano, drums, and shouts of the name 'kate'. a tap-bop-beat-nod-song. ends very nicely- abruptly.

ooh..ladies and gentlemen. beatnuts are in the house! with watch out now. yep. shake it now. a yummy song. not buggle-gum yummy. a ruffus song. hip-hop, rap, yep. of course you know that yep is not a genre. yep.

oh mine. its coldplay. with shiver. i can relate to this song. brilliant song. brilliant band. did you want me to change? well i changed for good and i want you to know that youll always get your way. i wanted to say dont you shiver. dont you shiver. shiver from their first album. if i recall correctly, its from parachutes.

another ben folds' song. mellow introduction. take a listen. from the back of the big brown eyes i knew that youd be gone as soon as you could and i hoped you would. we could see that you werent yourself and the lines on your face did tell. its just as well youd never be yourself again. sigh sigh.

what can i tell you. well, cousins and aunts, basically the rest of the family from my paternal side, came over to my place on sat. at about ten forty five at night. they had their late dinner, early supper, whichever, after which, talked, gossiped, family shit. but its good shit. shit i enjoy and look forward to really. anyhow, us kids played monopoly and that was near twelve in the morning. lasted near two short hours. they left my place at about 2 plus. by the time mom and me cleared the mess, it was near 230am. turned in near 3. exhausting, yes but fun. enjoy family gatherings. dont know about you but a great part of which, for me, depends on the company. or else, just grin and bear it. or dont even bother to. depends on me mood of the day.

so then i took my turn. o what a thing to have done. and it was all yellow. aah. coldplay. still remember when i bought the album and rushed to the cd-player to take a listen. my younger cousin of hmm..4 or 3 then, liked it. sigh. brilliant. look how they shine for you. bravo dears.

coldplay galore! clocks is on. the song is on the soundtrack of the upcoming movie 'peter pan'. when peter and wendy were flying. simply brilliant aye? doo doo doo doo doo doo...ooh...oh! nothing else compares. oh nothing else compares...doo doo doo doo doo.

sorry.

doo doo doo doo doo doo..the piano. then the drums and the guitar. sigh. and martin's vocals. very satisfying. ha. *burp*

ahem..

no school tomorrow. wrote that already. school was officially over on the tenth of october last year. which was 5 days ago. time flies. time flys? it has and is, yes? too fast, leaving me in wonder and fear. doesnt it for you?

3eb's motorcyle is playing. their 'the background' is a good listen. oh jay z is on. with big pimpin. love the rhythm. a killer beat. another yum this one. maybe nurul might enjoy it and lap it up whole. ha. read your latest entry. agree with your stand on that ever trivialised subject. however, dont think ive ever felt that emotion except for my parents and many other dear peeps. love them.

its not so bad. youre only the best i ever had. you dont need me back. it may take sometime to pass me up inside. and i cant take it so i run away and hide. and i may find in time that you were always right. so you sailed away into a grey sky morning. now im here to stay. love can be so boring. what was it you wanted? could it be a mountain?

vertical horizon. grey sky morning. depressing. for me. ooh..lets get depressed. ive got a sure-lets-get-depressed songs in me jukebox. reminders of the past and present. morbid yes but if youre in the mood to get depressed or more depressed, here are a few. enjoy.

1. strange and beautiful- aqualung
2. smile- lyle lovett
3. immortal- evanescence
4. one last cry- brian mcknight
5. when you're gone- cranberries
6. turn back the hands of time- r kelly
7. when i look in your eyes- diana krall
8. angel- amanda perez
9. light in your eyes- blessid union of souls

morbid. but hey, crying is healthy you know. told aishah that. cry your pain. let it out. may not necessarily go away but it is some strange way healthy. well at least thats what i read about. send me an angel. smile though you heart is aching. one last cry before i leave it all behind.

ive learnt now that things could be worse. i said this before if you remember. things could be worse. definitely. and of course, things could be better. but, thank God that things are as they are for things could be worse. altogether now..things could be worse. lived on the motto that things could be better before. just pulled me down. made me ill and all.

growing up and learning slowly that life is not at all fun and that some things are fated has taught me to appreciate life for what it is. grew to thank God that a dear friend was taken away and not my limbs or my parents. but im human- i continue to wish things to be different, to be better but always remembering to pull myself back to the present and be grateful for the now. i love my parents. and diana krall's song is just bloody depressing. shut up? sigh. just grin and bear it.

those eyes. so wise. so warm. so real. how i love the way you eyes see me? couldnt catch the end. boys-ta-men's water runs dry is another sob hit. where they been?

we dont even talk anymore. we dont even know what we argue about. snap snap snap. finger snapping is abound in this song.

well then, id better snap myself to sleep as well. guten nacht.

days i had with you. by kings of convenience. 2nd Jan. sigh. words are hard to get by now. get this: jackson five's i'll be there. ooh..such optimism. such certainty. did i just hear them singing '' i'll be a stripper?'' hmm..it has been a while since i last cleaned me dirty ears. excuse me. ha. seriously, why the certainty? good God. wish i could have that feeling too. right. o mine..

whats next. i hear snapping. jazz? yep. harry connick junior with lets call the whole thing off. from when harry met sally. i say 'errs-ster', you say 'oyster'. and the piano does its thang. bop bop bee.

wearing a bright, not luminous, orange shirt from malacca. a creation of malaysian artist, charles cham. met the guy. goatee and all. like his shop. had his art painted on the walls. his trademark is this orang utan. hmm. looked like one? dont remember.

lullaby is playing in the background. shawn mullins. has he sung himself to sleep or am i just missing out here? heard from him lately? by the way, shout outs to dear nurul. been a very long while since we last talked. yes family matters. leave them be? see you around dear. wicked hair cut. great smile. we need more smiles than ever. you think?

come now. sing along with me. 'sing..sing a song. sing out loud. sing out strong..' the carpenters. prefer the original to that of the american idol's. la lalala lala..

surface. all on the surface. i like coldplay. 3eb. ooh..and delinquent habits. their songs are on double take, the movie. a comedy. cant remember the plot.. a bit of action, comedy every where else and the usual fling. aah. dido. whiteflag.

i will go down with this shit. went down hard but surviving. arent we all? norah jones. talent. God's gift. if you could choose a gift, what would it be? delusion. different from always being in denial. just plain delusion. strangely enough, i would choose delusion. the gift of being deluded with your own happy thoughts, oblivious to the harsh truth of life. a perfect gift it is not. dont think so, at least. maybe it would be if it were to be living in oblivion. God..i dont know. life is good. it could be worse ya. before, i always thought it could be better but this has changed now. life could be worse. most definitely. yes, it could be better. but not all of life innit? sigh sigh. life could be worse and so, i thank God for this life. including the tears and pain it has brought along. dum de dum.

sigh, another one of the many sappy songs. to top it off, its an old sappy song. air supply's goodbye. next track is power..ha. firehouse's when i look into your eyes. tsk tsk. here we go again with the impossible certainty and optimism. really. how do they come up with such dreams? aah. delusion. a God-send aye? understood. delusion. hence, these ridiculous dreams. i have such dreams too. only dreams. delusion. yes. i think i understand.

well then, ooh, the foo fighters' walking after you. nish. very nish. if you walk out on me, im walking after you. hmm. a stalker? a possesive heartbroken lover? hmm. i cannot be without you matter of fact. im on your back. blimey..

listen to the everly brother's let it be me. an old tune from the sounds of it. o God. the emotions behind the song is similar to that of walking after you. egad..possesive control freaks? i dont know. a love song it is but..hmm.

moving on and away. how was your day? spent mine helping me dear lovely and adorable mam. dad was away, out of the house for some personal matters. went out later at night. reached home near 12+. they are sound asleep. love them. strange and beautiful parents. hope you love your parents as much as i do..sometimes the last thing you want comes in first. sometimes the first thing you want never comes. and i know the waiting is all you can do, sometimes. you can relate to that? aqualung's strange and beautiful. haunting.

ooh..daddy wasnt there is playing. the ending amuses me everytime. d. a. d.d. y. hee. by the way, in the mood of some cheering up? listen to beck's guess im doing fine. listened to it and teared. moved me. can relate to the song except for seeing a blue bird and listening to it singing. listen and youll understand.

enjoy this formality of not worrying about the apostrophes and what nots. a freedom i yearn in life and in mind. song is awfully long. 5min9sec. if you enjoy a good listen and lesson, beck's guess is a song that will make you reminisce fond and painful memories of yesterday and perhaps, allow you to drift into a slumber. ha. well, if anything, i like it.

enough of listening. sleep is mandatory. so sleep it is. good morning all and God bless.

i am colourblind. coffee's black and egg white. pull me out from inside...colourblind by the counting crows.

the year has finally gone. a dreadful year. a memorable year. how was it for you? glad i went through this year. glad its over. but if i could, would have changed bits of it.

whats on. first of may by the bee gees. hmm. 1st Jan 2004. wonder whats up ahead..doo doo doo doo..dont ask me why the time has passed us by.

parents asleep. i couldnt sleep although i was yawning a-plenty earlier. love them. wish they had more but hey. still love them. ha..

listening to sappy songs. sappy songs in me jukebox. rick price is on now. heaven knows where he is now. har.

alots on my mind. dont know where to start. life is changing for us all. maybe. look forward to the future and look back to the past and reflect. memories from the past are best reminisced. you think?

never let yesterday eat up too much of today. wise words from a fortune cookie.

hayden's on with long way down. another one of them slow whispers from a possibly drunk depressed and disgruntled singer. possibly.

lots of things i miss. lots of things to look forward to. miss the moments. moving on.

i like coldplay. hotstudy. ha. definitely coldplay. jamie's kitchen is inspiring. black is a favourite. too bad i dont know how to work this shit for i would have painted the night skies on your desktop.

cinnamon smells good. have a stick by my comp. a whiff of it reminds me of cinnamon. ha. cinnamon powder in starbucks where we used to hang with shah and duck and all. love fresh herbs. young and old ginger is a yum to the nosey. refreshing. so is orange skin. and lemon juice. like it when i prepare lemon tea. a hot pot of tea. drop in a few slices of lemon. stir and smell. ha.

amazing ya the sense of smell.

time after time. cyndi lauper. first heard it on smallville. if youre lost and you will find me time after time. right..if you fall i will catch you, i will be waiting time after time. yup..uhuh. says the..delusioned love-struck naive virginal country girl?

perhaps.

lets 'wave goodbye' to sappy-ness for the steadman is here. rock on? an upbeat song about memories haunting the poor stricken man who is adamant to believe in having moved on. har. goodbye, youll never see me again, the steadman says.

coldplay's 'i ran away'. they have chosen to quite obviously, run away. goodbye. goods byes. auf wiedersehen. ciao.

so ciao for now.