feel like going away. a holiday. feel like returning to a place where i could tap my feet to richards or lateef or adderley or keane or hot chocolate. returning to a time. a place. anywhere you know. where you could tap your feet without guilt. the gnawing issue here is of course that there are millions of words i have yet to put together and make sense of. you in this situation as well ya? well my back and neck aches..and i havent even done anything strenuous. just sitting by my comp, trying to make sense.

arh.

songs that have set my feet a-tapping..

'summer holiday by cliff richard'

'you sexy thing by hot chocolate'

take care all. go (tap) away now.

'dat dere by cannon adderley'

open yourself.

to be happy, be honest.

but to be honest to oneself may not work for all. what i had failed to acknowledge earlier was that we never are alone. yes, we may be alone in our thoughts, but never in person. our actions, i have come to believe and experienced, have its consequences. big or small-- they are irrevocably consequential.

its the cycle of life la. and its infuriating for me despite my wants, acknowledge that my taking an extra bite is indulging of me.
indulgment is good. no doubts about that. i give myself a treat sometimes. hey lets be honest ya..a treat every other time. like when i missed the bus and im pissed for having missed it. when i manage to finish a page of readings in an hour. when i was frowned at by a stranger.
goodness. every other time. indulging myself and conveniently giving excuses that i deserved to be indulged. you been there?

arh. yes. sure. to be happy, be honest. but dont conveniently excuse yourself for being honest every other time. stealing that extra bite deserted my mother of one. ya sure i was stoned happy-pleased with the frosted chocolate mousse. but my mother missed the wonderful near sinful pleasure. big or small-- irrevocably consequential..

do it like king george. stop at two bites. then go and seem happy about it.

yes.

go and seem happy.

take care all. no excuses now..

'my favourite things by john coltrane'

ahh. the time is early and it is much too bright a day for me to put my eyes to rest. the sun is up and so are many others. ive placed the chocolate out in the sun to make it stay up and runny. i like it when its runny-- just slithers down your throat like mud on pavement. slow thick ripples trickling down. ahh.

take care all. go be happy.

lets be honest here.

i am alone typing away, slowly as one has to consider what to write yes?

as i was saying before i had to explain myself,

i am alone typing away at coffee club in school, waiting for my dad on this thursday afternoon, i wonder how honest we've ever been with each other and especially so, to ourselves.

i do not know who reads this and so i'd always address a 'you' in my previous blogs to pretend to myself that i have somebody to address to, that someone is bothered to read someday.

anyways, yes, i wonder about how sincere we have been to ourselves and others.

i am chomping down chocolate biscuits shamelessly. the biscuits that pack extra calories because of the chocolate cream in between them.

i have caught myself on many occasions reprimanding myself for taking an extra bite into a chocolate cake that was just supposed to have been two bites. i have caught myself and i constantly catch myself doing so out of, out of....my expectations of myself, out of people's expectations of me.

point i am driving at is-- i really wanted to have that extra bite. there werent supposed to be just those pathetic two bites. i do not want to pretend to be curbing myself. i want that chocolate and i should be honest about it. especially so to myself.

yes. this is a lesson that one should have, no not lesson. this is an innate action. innate need. whatever the word. this is natural-- to satisfy oneself. to be happy.

so be honest and have that extra bite.

take care all.

ladeda..cof cof.

life's been a blast. thank God you have a roof.

take care all.